After tragedy strikes: How parents can talk to their children about school violence

In the wake of the recent shooting at Annunciation Catholic Church in Minneapolis, many parents are struggling with how to talk with their children about school violence. We reached out to Sheryl Vinci, psychiatric nurse practitioner with Beacon Medical Group Behavioral Health South Bend, about how to navigate this difficult conversation while supporting your child’s emotional well-being.

Q: Should I bring this up with my child, or will talking about it make them more scared?

There is no set or right age to talk about school shootings. Take your child’s lead on the subject and consider your child’s emotional and cognitive development to guide you on the conversation. In older children, it may be better to be proactive about the subject. Take into consideration the events around you, such as if the school is conducting an active shooter drill that may be an opportunity to bring up the topic.

Q: How do I start this conversation? Does their age matter?

When starting the conversation, ask them first what they know about the situation. Different age groups should be approached differently. With preschool and elementary students, keep things simple without specific details such as “somebody hurt some people.”

In middle school aged children, there can be more back and forth of questions and answers, but still keep details minimal. Encourage them to ask questions and express how they feel when talking about it.

In high school children, there can be further talk about specifics and things that they could do in these situations. Encourage them to express their thoughts and even participate in the solutions.

Q: My child is asking, “Are we safe?” and “Could this happen to us?” How do I answer without increasing their fear?

Even one school shooting is too many. However, they are not commonplace. When they occur, they get a lot of media attention, which makes them seem like they occur more frequently. Reassure your child that these events are rare and talk to them about some of the safety measures that are in place in their schools. Many schools now have active shooter drills. While this is scary at times, it allows the children to know what to do and who to go to in scary situations.

Q: How do I help my child who is upset and scared?

Reassure and validate their feelings, let them know it is OK to be upset because it is an upsetting situation. Do not dismiss them and tell them that they have nothing to worry about. Talk to them about ways they can work through their feelings. Talk to them about ways and techniques that you use such as physical exercise, talking to others, taking deep breaths or engaging in activities that you enjoy.

Q: How do I manage my own fears so I can stay calm and be supportive when talking to my child?

As parents, of course you are concerned for your child’s safety. But when talking to your children, try and keep your own fears separate. Talk to them in a calm manner, only giving them the facts.

Q: How much should I limit my child’s exposure to news and social media about school violence, especially if they seem anxious?

It is important for to limit exposure to social media and the news when things are upsetting to us. In young children, especially keeping them away from the negative talk is important. If your family does watch the news, make sure that you are there with your children so that you can monitor the information and be there if they have any questions.

Q: What are the early warning signs that my child may be struggling with anxiety related to school safety? When should I seek professional help?

Anxiety related to school shootings presents just like any form of anxiety. Symptoms of anxiety may include:

• Avoidance: This includes withdrawal from previous loved activities, friends or family, and some children will refuse to go to school all together.
• Heightened emotions or intrusive feelings/thoughts: This can be seen by nightmares, difficulty controlling emotions, irritability or excessive worry.
• Physical symptoms can often be a sign of heightened anxiety. Things such as persistent headaches, stomach aches, change in sleeping or eating patterns.

If you notice any of these symptoms please consult your child’s pediatrician or mental health provider to talk about your concerns. Beacon Health System offers a full range of mental health services, from counseling and support to intensive inpatient treatment. Whatever your needs and challenges, we’ll work with you and your loved ones to help you find your path to emotional wellness.